im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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