i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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