Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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