On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
