Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize