Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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