Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
