I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
