just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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