remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
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What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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