Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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