is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
