Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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