sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
