Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Drake has all the answers
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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