just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
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My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
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I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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