Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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