We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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