You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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