New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
