Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
