New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
