i was born a porn star she said
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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