I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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