Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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