Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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