so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
