she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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