If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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