I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
