if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
