I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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