My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
