Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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