they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's official drugs can't kill me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
