Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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