Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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