she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
