who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
