shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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