I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
