You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
