Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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