she was so not down for the gang bang
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I got inside last night via doggy door
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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