Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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