Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
