just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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