Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
