I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
