I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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