MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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