i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
