he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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