Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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