So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
