Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
