My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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