it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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