I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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