new low.... made out with someone while peeing
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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