where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
