Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
