If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
